Feeling anxious about the holidays? A registered psychologist has tips for getting through the season in the era of COVID-19.
By Emily Gilbert
The situation around COVID-19 is rapidly evolving. Content in this article is as of the date posted and may be subject to change.
It’s a season of traditions, pastimes and gathering with the ones you love. But for some people, the holidays also bring about considerable stress and anxiety too. In the era of COVID-19, different triggers of holiday season anxiety may arise in addition to the usual stressors.
We connected with Katie Turner to find out more about holiday season anxiety. She’s a registered psychologist based in Calgary. Even before COVID-19, she says that December and January are usually the busiest months of the year for therapists.
Why do people experience anxiety during the holiday season?
“There’s a lot of pressure and commitments,” Turner says. “People often end up being overbooked. There are various expectations on people that make the holiday season busy and stressful.”
The holidays often include extended time with family, which may not always be beneficial when it comes to stress. In addition, financial stress that accompanies holiday traditions is often a factor.
This year, there are the added complexities of COVID-19, too. Turner says the importance of navigating personal boundaries during the holidays will be more important than ever.
What are some general tips for managing holiday season anxiety?
“Know your own needs first,” Turner advises before diving into the holiday season. “This will help establish how to enjoy the holidays while minimizing stress.”
Some questions she recommends asking yourself include:
What is most important to you about the holiday season?
What traditions are the most meaningful?
Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
What feels like a good amount of time commitment when it comes to celebrating the holidays? How do you make sure you that you don’t stretch yourself too thin?
What are the meaningful things you can do within your budget?
The illusion of the ‘perfect Christmas’
It’s easy to get swept away in consumer culture and social media comparisons around the holidays. Turner recommends being mindful of this going into the holiday season. Limiting time spent on social media can be helpful.
Movies and television constantly bombard us with images of the “perfect Christmas.” It is important to manage your expectations of how holiday traditions actually play out in real life.
“You may have this expectation of everyone getting along. Or maybe an expectation of everything being a certain way. This means that you may be disappointed if things don’t unfold that way,” she says.
She also recommends aiming for quality over quantity when it comes to time spent with people, including your family.
“Know your time limit with certain people,” she says. “For example, if you know you can only handle a short amount of time with family, stick with that.”
Sometimes, less is more. Turner says that in some cases, a shorter amount of quality time spent with family may be best. Opt for this over a longer visit that ends up feeling like too much.
Navigating holiday season anxiety during COVID-19
The holidays will most likely be different this year. With COVID-19 rapidly evolving, traditional gatherings may not be possible. And, Turner notes, everyone has different comfort levels when it comes to socializing.
“Family communication is going to be really important,” she says.
As a couple or family unit, she suggests figuring out your own personal comfort level first. Decide what you are and are not comfortable with. Then, communicate accordingly.
She also recommends that adult children communicate directly with their own parents, rather than having one’s spouse communicate to their in-laws about their plans. Being clear that decisions are being made as a family unit (“we” instead of “I”) is also important.
Regardless of the situation, she notes it’s important to avoid being critical of others and their views.
“The point isn’t to judge what others are doing or try to change their behaviour,” she says. “It’s about setting those boundaries and being clear with what you are and aren’t comfortable doing.”
Prepare in advance
Sometimes just the thought of disappointing a friend or family member may cause stress. One way to handle this is to think about how you will respond to potential invitations in advance. “Focus on how you want the other person to feel. Next, explain what you want them to know,” Turner says. ”Then suggest a potential alternative option.” For example, this might be something like:
“Thank you for thinking of us. This is what we’re doing for the holidays this year and what we’re comfortable with. Can we potentially do a drive by visit or something virtual instead?”
You may even want to try scripting out your response and saying it out loud to yourself first. “If you are comfortable and confident with what you’re saying, it will most likely be received better,” Turner says. “It will also help you navigate the responses that don’t go over as well, too.”
Ask the right questions
Invited to a holiday gathering? Turner says that it’s okay to ask questions of the host. This may include things like how many people are coming, and for how long.
But she notes as well that there is the potential for hurt feelings. If this happens, she says, remember it’s usually not personal.
“Everyone has different points of view,” she says. “And you have the right to decide whether to go or not.”
Be clear about expectations
Thinking about having people over? In this case, it’s on you as the host to set your boundaries and expectations in advance. This might be something like:
“We’d love to have you over. Here is what we are asking everyone to do. If you aren’t comfortable with that, we respectfully ask you not to come.”
Turner says it’s important to be clear with your guests from that start about what is going on in your house. This way, they can make an informed decision about attending. Clear communication will also help you as the host. You will be able to ensure that you feel comfortable with who’s coming in to your home, too.
“Don’t wait until someone shows up to find out they’ve been doing things that you aren’t okay with,” Turner says.
Coping with feelings of sadness if you can’t be near loved ones
Some people, particularly seniors, may experience feelings of isolation and loneliness around the holiday season.
To alleviate this, Turner suggests thinking of ways to stay connected in advance. If you can’t get together as usual, what can you plan to do instead?
“Some seniors will have different comfort levels than others,” Turner notes. “Have conversations to find ways to connect in a way that everyone is comfortable with.”
Turner recommends ensuring that virtual hangouts are an option.
“If they don’t have it already, get the technology set up for elderly relatives in advance,” she says.
She also suggests trying to find that ‘extra’ thing you can do to stay connected during the holidays. Maybe it’s meeting outside in a distanced way, or dropping off a care package. Finding something to help your elderly loved one fill their day may be helpful. Depending on their situation, this might include a pet or a plant to care for.
Know your boundaries
No matter how you plan to spend the holidays, Turner says the most important thing is to understand your own boundaries and avoid judging others.
“You don’t have to justify your own choices,” she says. “But equally, it’s important to make sure you aren’t trying to convince other people to change their behaviour.”
Get the support you need
We know that sometimes no matter how much you prepare, the holiday season can still be stressful. With everything going on this year in particular, it may be helpful to speak with someone.
Lumino Health can help you find a psychologist in your area, as well as several offering virtual appointments.
Written in consultation with Katie Turner, psychologist.